dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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