EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
