Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
