The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
