Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
