I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It's like God shit irony all over that family
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
