Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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