The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
