OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize