Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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