forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
