If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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