this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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