grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
