Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
