Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
