I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
