i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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