Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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