Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
