who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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