You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Blood and glitter go together right?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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