Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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