An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Houston, we have a blender
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
