This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize