i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
