She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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