Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
