my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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