just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
