swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
