Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is this like a preordered booty call?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
