this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
