my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
