I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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