That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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