i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
