Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
