I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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