Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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