Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
