Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
