On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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