I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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