I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
