there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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