The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
