I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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