I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I AM VODKA MAN
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
