I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
