So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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