the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
