i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
