There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
