All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the condom got lost in my hair
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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