it was like his penis was on wheels.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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