Cold hands, warm shart.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
