Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
