I cockslap morals
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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