We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize