i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
